End of the World Theorists

“Welcome friends to the 751st bi-weekly meeting of the End of the World Theorists,“ the supreme leader said with a small bow. “Here the greatest minds of this century come together to discuss recent events to try and determine how the world will end. I see a few new hoods in the room today. Welcome all newcomers. I would like to remind everyone that members receive half price on Chicken Wings in the dining area. As always we will start with last week predictions and see if anyone could predict the end of the world.”

The supreme leader pulled out a large top hat and placed it in the center of the table. The top hat was filled to the brim with small scraps of paper. 

“As everyone knows, anyone who predicted the end of the world correctly will be named the new supreme leader, dethroning my prediction that the world would end in a massive devastating earthquake.” 

A hand shot up from the back of the room. 

“Yes Jonathan,“ the supreme leader said irritably. “We are all aware the world didn’t ‘technically’ end, the fact of the matter is we needed a supreme leader after Mike died from that heartattack and the mine shaft collapse did cause the town to shake a little bit, so I took the mantle. If you want the title so badly make a prediction that actually comes true and not some cockaminy story about aliens invading the earth and enslaving us all.“

Jonathan slowly lowered his hand. 

“You make that prediction everytime and enslavement of the human race isn’t technically the ‘end of the world’, so I’m not sure you would get the title even if it did happen. We’ll have a meeting about it if that ever happens” The supreme leader fixed his hood and cleared his throat.

“Now, with that out of the way, let’s start.”

There was a sort of excited energy in the room as the supreme leader pulled out the first prediction.

“And the first prediction of the week is! Giant alien octopus invades the Earth and enslaves the entire human race.”

The entire room turned to Jonathan who’s hood drooped a little. The supreme leader crumpled the paper and threw it into the bin.

“Better luck next time, Jonathan,” he said with a sneer.

He reached into the hat and pulled out another paper.

“Yellowstone volcano erupts killing all life on Earth!” he called out in a booming voice. “See; now that is a prediction. Something that is actually within the realm of possibility! Of course, it was one of my predictions. One of these days that baby is going to blow and I’m going to solidify my position. Alas, it won’t be this week. Next we have-”

“Giant Asteroid hits earth, killing everyone.” The supreme leader shook his head slowly. “If we were a group of Dinosaurs that might happen but everyone knows that asteroids aren’t attracted to humans. Next. Global warming. Bit earlier for that one, maybe give it a few more years.”

Another piece goes the the bin and another is pulled out. 

“The  supreme leader will start the meeting by welcoming everyone to the 730th bi-weekly meeting of the End of the World Theorists.” 

“Yes!” Jeremy shouted and jumped up. “That happened, that totally happened! I get to be the new supreme leader!” 

Everyone in the room gave a collective sigh. 

“You have to predict the end of the world, Jeremy!” the supreme leader shouted. 

Jonathan’s hand shot up into the air. 

“Put your damn hand down right this moment Jonathan!” 

Jonathans hand went down slowly. The supreme leader gave a slow even sigh, trying to calm himself.  

“In any case, Jeremy,” he said slowly. “You got the number wrong, we are currently at the 751th meeting, not the 730th. 730 was almost a month ago. So you don’t get to be supreme leader anyway.

“Oh yeah, I remember that one, it was the one that Nona almost broke her leg while playing Limbo of Doom.” said a small voice from the corner of the room.

Nona nodded her head. “That damn pole almost killed me!”

Jeremy crossed his arms and slumped back down into his chair. 


The supreme leader finished off the last of the prediction, calling most of them stupid and throwing them into the bin. The mood in the room had turned more sour as the opening of the predictions continued. By the end of it, everyone, except for the supreme leader was in a fowl mood.

“Unfortunately no one’s predictions came true this week, but I think we can all agree mine was the closest to happening. Let us make our predictions for next week.”

The supreme leader pulled out a handful of pens and everyone passed them out amoungst themselves. Everyone was given a small piece of paper and the entire room went silent. The members of the End of the World Theorists focused on the energies around them trying to read the future. Jeremy was the first one to start writing. He wrote for almost a minute when he suddenly stopped and cried out. 

“Hey! Don’t look at what I’m writing you thief!” Jonathan closed his eyes quickly. “I didn’t see a thing,” he said defensively. “Supreme leader, may I please get a board to stop this thief from mooching on my cosmic predicting powers.”

“Don’t be stupid, who would want to mooch off of your powers?” the surpeme leader asked. “If anyone needs a board it should be me!”

Jeremey put up his arm, using it as a divider between him and Jonathan while he wrote.


Everyone placed their scraps of paper into the hat so that they could be read next week.

“Thank you everyone for joining us, I hope that some of the newer members will join us again next week!”

“Praise Cthulhu, that’s over with,” Jeremy said pulling of his hood. “Anyone want to join me on half price chicken wings?”

The supreme leader looked up. “I wouldn’t say no to a wing or two?”

“Ah, sorry, George, I wasn’t talking to you and if I’m not mistaken aren’t you on shift now?” George’s ears started burning. 

“So if you wouldn’t mind, everyone here would like an order of chicken wings.”

The door to the small room burst open and tall man with a stern look stalked into the room. 

“Listen guys, I know I said that you guys can have the staff meeting in here, but please, there are customers outside waiting for their orders. I can’t have half my staff in the backroom. Now get back to work!”

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